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Since becoming a mother I’ve noticed that the questions that I ask myself daily are all surrounded by the common theme of mom guilt. Am I doing enough for my child? Am I around enough? Am I present enough? Am I Am I Am I. And no matter what I do it feels like the answers to those questions are always a resounding NO! But that’s just my perception and not my reality. I know this because when I ask my husband or talk to my friends about how I am doing in mothering the resonating consensus is I’m being extremely hard on myself.
Some of these high achieving expectations are due to the way I naturally am but most are significantly shaped by outside pressures and societal norms. Whether subliminally in conversation, through media, or just out right spoken and shared ideas we are told daily what it means to be a good mom. We are told that mothers should be their children’s world which means moms should be willing to give up all hopes and dreams for oneself in the name of proper child rearing.
I recently heard a sound byte from Candance Owens while scrolling through Tiktok that caused me to pause and examine my own opinions about what she shared. To summarize her comments she stated that she was mad at whichever woman decided they wanted to be like a man and do what he does by going to work. She would much rather be at home, raising her children, and taking care of the home than out working. She went on to say women have seemingly made things worse for ourselves by wanting to be like men.
Although I largely disagree with Candance Owens, like her in my immaturity and misinformation I once felt the same about women working. That life would be easier if I didn't have to work. I would spend my days at home with my children virtually worry free except for the house chores and the children's upbringing. In my imagination this life would be fulfilling and all that I needed. But, since becoming a mother and having a very gracious maternity leave of 6 months I very much missed my day job.
It wasn’t because I didn’t like being at home with my child. It was because before I became a mother I was my own woman. I had and still have dreams, passions, and motivations outside of motherhood. And therefore I was glad I had a choice to continue to pursue those things while raising my child. This lived experience helped me to mature past the place Candance Ownes was referring to and into a place of feeling grateful for having a choice. I don’t think women pioneering into the workforce did so to keep other women from staying home but, so that women could have a choice. A choice to continue towards our passions and dreams before motherhood or to stay home.
So then why does being a mother in 2023 come with so much guilt? DId moms of other times and generations feel the same guilt? Has the example of motherhood been this way since the beginning or has it evolved over time? These are questions I still had for myself.
Let’s take it back to biblical time. Proverbs 31 is often quoted as the gold star of motherhood but at the same time incorrectly interpreted to seem like a good mother knows how to juggle all things, like serving her husband, children, home, and working. History after that point coined a myriad of terms for mothering styles according to The Washington Post. There is the “cult of true womanhood” that was started in Europe under Jean-Jacques Rousseau who promoted breast-feeding and affectionate mothering during a time when mothering seemed to be a low priority task. Women often had nannies and wet nurses to attend to the portion of mothering that can be tedious.
Then the puritans gave birth to the idea of “moral mothering” urging moms to follow their intuition in what was good and necessary for their children. In the 20th Century “Scientific mothering” entered the chat. This style is still seen today from the idea of putting children on schedules, cry it out method and sleep training. Critics thought that this style was too emotionally distant for children so the pendulum swung the other way into “child centric mothering” where we can also see versions of that now in the gentle parenting movement. And I’m certain there have been many more versions of mothering styles over the years but a pivotal mothering style that made waves in the 1960s was the “intensive mothering” style emerging from the influx of mothers in the workforce.
This style gave rise to the old idea that a woman had to be the best version of herself in every area of her life. A great worker, mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and more. This mothering style has been amplified and reinforced throughout social media. There are droves of mothers sharing how amazing their mothering is and how they are able to stay on top of everything on their to do list, think of creative activities for their kids, cook delicious meals, keep the house clean and drink a gallon of water a day and exercise. When we hear all the techniques and strategies, watch all the carefully curated and edited footage of day in the life vlogs we often begin to compare ourselves and leads us back to that age old question; Am I doing enough?
I know I don’t have to keep down this rabbit hole of the history of motherhood to drive the ultimate point home. Mom guilt is a made up ideal pushed by society trying to coerce mothers into believing the lie that we should be able to do it all and without any help. We have to remember as moms It’s not our job to be our child's entire world. That was a responsibility never intended for us to carry, thus why it feels so heavy. Our job is to love our children, provide safety and stability to the best of our ability, learn our children and their temperament but also, do it with help. Balanced time away, unfocused, and unrelated to our children or spent pursuing our dreams and goals is not a sign of a bad mother but a sign of a healthy woman.
